Compiled and filed by Gavin Chin, Wesley Methodist Church, Ipoh
1) God is All-Knowing. He cannot impose self-amnesia on Himself.
The Myth of Forgetting the Harm (Dan Allender, professor of biblical counseling at Colorado ChristianUniversity, and a psychologist with the Institute of BiblicalCounseling in Denver)
A central misunderstanding that fuels many other myths about forgiveness is the notion that we are to "forgive and forget." The concept comes from two major passages: Ps. 25:7 and Jer. 31:34. The psalmist asks God not to remember the sins of his youth but instead to recall His mercy and love. In the Jeremiah passage God says: "I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."Christians are told to be like God, who does not remember sin but forgives wickedness.
This would be a good principle to follow were it not for one fact: Goddoes remember sin. We are told that one day we will all appear before God and receive our rewards based on "the things done while in the body, whether good or bad" (2 Cor. 5:10). God remembers sin and righteousness, and He uses the data to determine our due.
When the writers of Scripture say God has taken away our sins "as far as the east is from the west" (Ps. 103:12) and will "hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea" (Mic. 7:19), they are using metaphors, not making statements of fact about God's loss of memory. A metaphor is like an impressionistic painting. It is overstated and dramatic; full of life, but not intended to be taken as a precise, literal representation of the scene painted. Imagine how absurd it would be if someone wanted to discover the actual place where the eastis divided from the west. In the same way, it is absurd to take the metaphor of God's forgetfulness and make it into a tangible requirement of forgiveness.
Let me state a working definition of forgiveness. To forgive another means to cancel a debt in order to provide (1) opportunity for repentance and (2) restoration of the broken relationship.
2) The true definition of Forgiveness (although this article was written by Neil in the context of marriage, it is applicable to allrelationships)
Why Forgive?
(Neil T. Anderson, Ph.D., author, founder and president emeritus of Freedom in Christ Ministries)
I was their last resort. Kurt and Mary (not their real names) called me in the middle of an argument.
"Dr. Anderson, you have to come and help us," Mary said angrily. After talking with her briefly, I was afraid if I didn't show up, their argument would result in domestic violence!
I'm making a house call police officers don't even like to make! I thought as I got into my car.
I played referee for a couple hours until they'd worn themselves out.This Christian couple had made enemies of each other. And forgivenesswas the furthest thing from what they wanted to discuss.
"I've listened to your arguments and frustrations," I started. "Here's the overriding reality. Before God we're responsible for our own character and the needs of the other person. You two have been ripping each other's character while looking out for your own needs. You'restruggling in your marriage because you're struggling in your spiritual life."
They were stunned. They hadn't connected their marital troubles with how they were doing in their individual relationships with God. Butthe Bible is clear: "If someone says, 'I love God,' but hates aChristian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don'tlove people we can see, how can we love God, whom we have not seen?"(1 John 4:20, NLT).
What makes a Christian marriage work is to forgive from our hearts, just as Jesus forgave us. He did so by taking our sins upon himself. For us, forgiving others means we're willing to live with the consequences of our spouse's sins.
But why forgive?
1. To help us mature in our faith. God's intention in marriage is that we hang in there and grow up. In Colossians Paul writes: "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (3:13).
It's in the context of committed relationships where we either learn to be kind, patient, and loving, or we blow apart. Loving each other inevitably means that we forgive each other—and keep on forgiving as Jesus instructed in Matthew 18:21-22. When Peter asked Jesus how manytimes we should forgive someone, "Up to seven times?" Jesus answered,"I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
Yes, you may be tempted to keep a written log of how many times you'veforgiven your spouse! But Jesus was really saying we need to forgiveas many times as we are offended. It may seem unfair, especially when we feel as though we're the ones always doing the forgiving. Yet, forgiveness calls us to grow in character, which is ultimately most pleasing to God.
2. To keep bitterness away. In the close confinement of our homes, we'll say or do things that are offensive to our mate. Even the best of us will feel hurt, put down, or rejected. But if we let a root of bitterness spring up, the writer of Hebrews says that it will "defilemany" (12:15). Our unforgiveness grows to bitterness and affects everyone. It erupts in anger and brings disease, stress, pain.Bitterness is like swallowing a bottle of poison hoping the other person will die.
Excuses, excuses
So many times we know we should forgive, we understand what God says about the importance of forgiveness, but still we fight it. Here aresome excuses I hear from couples.
It's not fair. Of course it isn't, but we all live with the consequences of another person's sin. For instance, we're stuck with the consequence of Adam's and Eve's sin. And on the marriage front, since it's God's will that we remain married, the only real choice wehave is whether we want to live out those consequences of our spouse's sin in the bondage of bitterness or the freedom of forgiveness.
But you don't know how bad he (or she) hurt me! That's not the issue. Your spouse may still hurt you. But forgiveness is how you stop the pain.
I have to heal first—then I'll be able to forgive. Research shows over and over that forgiveness brings healing, not the other way around.
But I want revenge! The writer of Hebrews reminds us, "For we know himwho said, 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay'" (10:30). We have totrust that God will even the score and make things right.
Why should I let him (or her) off the hook? If you don't forgive,you're still hooked to that offense. You'll gain freedom from the past if you let your spouse off your hook. But remember, your spouse isn't off God's hook.
Where's the justice? It's in the cross. Jesus died for your sins, and my sins, and his sins, and her sins.
Sloppy forgiveness
Forgiveness doesn't mean we offer cheap grace, though. Here are two statements I often hear that offer faux forgiveness.
I'll just try to forget about it, because God forgot my sins. True,God remembers our sin no more. But we can't just will ourselves to forget. I like to think we remember because we can learn from it. The most important part of "forgetting" our spouse's sin is that we don't take the past and use it against our spouse—just as God doesn't use our sins against us (which means He remembers, but doesn't use our sins against us - Gavin). The one who keeps bringing up past offenses hasn't forgiven.
I'll keep forgiving even though he never changes, since that's what Jesus calls me to do. Yes, Jesus asks us to forgive over and over, but he never asks us to put up with wrong behavior. When Jesus forgave, hetold the person, "Go and sin no more." Part of offering grace is to set clear-cut boundaries that protect us from further abuse. Forgiving from our heart isn't being a punching bag. Although the Lord forgives, he doesn't tolerate sin, and neither should we.
True forgiveness
The closer we connect to God and understand the forgiveness he's given us, the more able we are to forgive our spouse. If we struggle withf orgiveness, we can pray something such as: "Lord, I forgive my husband for (list every offense that God brings to mind), because it made me feel (rejected, unwanted, judged, small). Heal my damaged emotions and bless my husband."
Remember, you're the only one who can keep yourself from being the person and spouse God created you to be. We don't just forgive the other person for his sake; we forgive for our own emotional, physical, and spiritual health. If you'll assume responsibility to grow inChrist, and forgive those around you, the family can be the kind ofenvironment where everybody wins.
3) Steps to Forgiveness
How to forgive
(Adapted from Forgiving and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope. Revised edition (c) 2003 by Everett L. Worthington Jr. Used by permission of Inter Varsity Press)
Okay, we all know we should forgive—after all, that's what Christ commands us to do. But how exactly do we forgive?
1. Acknowledge the hurt. The first step is to allow yourself to say, Iwas hurt/offended when the person did/said this. Sometimes we deny the pain. We think, That hurt didn't matter. Instead of suppressing our feelings, we must come to grips with them. Instead of turning from the pain and anger, we must face them.
2. Gently confront. When a transgression occurs, ask for an explanation. Rather than saying, "You barbarian! You have the sensitivity of gravel. How could you do such a horrid thing to me? Don't you love me?" ask, "When you insulted me, I was surprised. You're usually very sensitive. Can you tell me what was going on?" This is more respectful and will usually keep the door open for genuine dialogue.
3. Pray. Sometimes recalling a hurt or offense can throw us into a tail spin. So here's what to pray for and about:
- to protect your mind, to focus on the forgiveness aspect rather than the negative thoughts
- for the Holy Spirit to be your comforter
- for a gift of empathy
It's difficult to empathize with someone who has hurt us. But we can ask God to work actively within us to help us see things from theother person's point of view, to help us understand why our he or she did or said the things that hurt or bothered us—even if that's against our natural desires.
4. Strive for humility. When we're wronged, it's easy to feel morally superior. To forgive, though, I need to see myself as not so different from my offender. By recognizing that there have been plenty of times when I've hurt someone else, sometimes intentionally, I can see, in humility, our similarities. Then I think of the times I've received forgiveness. How many times has God forgiven me? How many times have other people forgiven me?
5. Start with the easiest offenses. If one hurt is too difficult to forgive, try forgiving an easier one. Put the hard one aside until later. Try again tomorrow. If you want to forgive but can't, keep practicing. It may take time, but forgiving happens.
6. Choose to reconcile. Forgiveness can help promote reconciliation,because it softens attitudes. Reconciliation is all about deciding to talk, talking gently in love, empathizing, repairing any hurt feelings (sooner rather than later), and building a sense of loving devotion that both people feel.
7. Anticipate that the wounds will still hurt. When people have worked through the past to reach forgiveness, they often think (irrationally) that they'll never remember the hurt again. If they do recall the hurtand re-experience pain, they think that their forgiveness was a fraud. Not so. A remembered hurt does not equal unforgiveness.
8. Hold on to forgiveness. Don't dwell on negative emotions when you recall the incident. Remind yourself that you've forgiven the person.We can exert self-control to reach forgiveness. Self-control is partof the fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:23), so we don't need to exert it by gut-it-out effort. We can anticipate that God wants to produce self-control in us, so he'll be motivated to help us.
